Words vs. Tone

Say each phrase below with different tonality: anger, boredom, surprise and flirtatiousness. Notice how your body language, facial expression and breathing combine to alter your emotional state.

"It's late."

"I've had enough."

"Look at me."

"Where were you born?"

To check your tonality, find a friend and say one or two of these phrases. See if your friend can tell you which of the four feelings you're expressing. If it's not obvious, keep working at it until it's clear. body will signal to your brain by mixing up a chemical cocktail that corresponds to the discomfort that the other person is feeling. Then you will both be uncomfortable, and rapport will be that much harder to achieve. When they notice a discrepancy between your words and gestures, other people will believe the gestures and react accordingly.

So, congruity occurs when your body, voice tone and words are all in alignment. And when your body, tone and words are communicating the same thing, you will appear sincere and people will tend to believe you. This is why a Really Useful Attitude is so important. Appearing sincere, or congruent, is a key ingredient for building the trust that opens the door to likability and rapport.

Make sure that your words, your tonality and your

gestures are all saying the same thing. Be on the

lookout for incongruity in others. Notice how it

makes you feel.

We've all seen those old movies where a couple of people are driving along in a car, and they're rocking the steering wheel even though the background shows a road that's straight as an arrow. It's phony—you know they're really in a studio being bounced around in a box. Your senses have told you that something isn't right, something is out of alignment, and so you can't believe what you see. Or have you ever had someone get mad at you and then, in the middle of bawling you out, flash a sinister little smile that disappears as fast as it came? Very chilling. This is another example of incongruent behavior. The smile doesn't belong with the anger; it's insincere.

Recognizing incongruent behavior is another survival instinct. If you're on vacation and you're approached by a complete stranger who grins at you while he rubs his hands briskly together, licks his lips and says, "Good morning, how would you like to invest in the world's best time-share deal," the chances are you'll be on your guard. A quick congruence check is instinctive and is another reason why first impressions are paramount.

Frequently a person's emotions and intentions are misunderstood by those around them. For instance, a woman at one of my seminars discovered that she unconsciously used a tone of voice that was incongruent with her words. "No, I'm not confused, I'm interested," she would insist when tested. And again, "No, I'm not sad, I'm relaxed." This went on and on until she came to the verge of tears and said, "Now I know why my kids are always saying, 'Mom, how come you get mad at us all the time?' And I'm not mad at them. Sometimes I'm just excited."

The same woman also told us that her coworkers accused her of sarcasm but that, to her, nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, sarcasm is simply words said with conflicting voice tone. It is structured so the person on the receiving end will believe what's inferred by the tonality. Suppose you let your team down and somebody is heard to quip, "That was brilliant," with a tonality that communicates annoyance.

It's a very different case when you score a fantastic goal and the same person is heard to say with excitement, "That was brilliant!"

Congruity, then, has one unshakable rule and it is this: If your gestures, tone and words do not say the same thing, people will believe the gestures. Go up to someone you know, purse your lips and say, "I really like you," with your eyebrows raised and your arms folded.

Ask them what they think. Even better, go find a mirror and try it. Well? You get my point. Your gestures are a giveaway to what you really mean.